Tired, Lost, Sleepy

Sometimes I wonder if I am depressed. I reckon I am and I fit the criteria of DSM-IV but somehow I still think it's bull. I know there are heaps of stuff waiting for my attention yet I could not bring myself to do it. I don't know why. I am sad and lost wondering who I am and what's the purpose of my existence. With special interest in personality disorder, I could not comprehend but to read in fear. I wonder if that uneventful experience I had two years ago qualified as mania. If it is, then I am a bipolar, no? With regards to this my consultant told me that most medical students are obsessive. Am I?

Yesterday I was talking to a mental health user. I guess both of us share similar traits in many ways and this sort of create some fear and worry in me. Sigh. We share the same dreams and hopes yet we won't know when we'll achieve them, if ever. Guess, sleeping ten hours a day is a good way of keeping myself distracted. Still could cope with its consequences for now. No idea if I could in due course. Irresponsible is the key word here, knowing what one should do and yet not do it.

Many times, I feel guilty for my unreasonable behaviour. Not that I am getting wasted or doing drugs daily but ... it's just hard to explain. Afterall, my generous parents are so kind to me. This year alone, they paid about $70k for my forth year in NZ. That's pretty big sum after conversion to the Ringgit. I wish I could make my parents my confidante but I just don't have the heart to fail them. Telling them my fears and insecurities would only make them even more worried. I am a lousy daughter with poor fighting spirit.

Resah. Perjalanan hidupku tidak pernah senang. Penuh dengan harungan dan cabaran yang tidak pernah kuduga. Hanya Tuhan saja yang tahu, betapa seksanya aku. Tiada apa yang berani kupinta. Hanya tangisan air mata menjadi teman.