a s s

2009-08-05T21:26:00.001+12:00

Anxiety

2008-09-11T15:35:00.003+12:00

I think I am having very bad panic attacks over the past few weeks. I just feel so doomed, so shit. It's not funny when you can feel your heart races at 200000bpm ...(okay I am exaggerating here but that's really how I feel.. but then again, not that I know how 200000000bpm of heart rate feels like)... I am scared. All I want to do is to find a secret place to hideeee...All these stimuli is really bad for my psychological health. I wish I could find some quick fix for it. benzos.. benzos.. i want benzos..where can i find my friendly neighbourhood benzo peddler.. damn it damn it..I want to be calm. I want to be confident.

I think I should pray my rosary more often. I am upset. I broke the Novena. I am scared.

Hail Mary, full of grace. blessed be art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb jesusss...
oh god.... i am really going crazy again... so much.. oh helpp ... helpp .. helpppppppppppppppppppppp..

sigh.. another 50 minutes before the next class begins.. i should be studying.. fuck .. STUDYING~~!!!!

SIGH!!!

wa chin boh huah hee

2008-04-04T23:09:00.003+13:00

Wa kin jit si beh bo huah hee. Wa eh hokkien uah mmm see chin ho ..beh beng pek suak lah.
Wa mmm zhai ha mi su wa ai gia ah neh zey keeh.. wa eh sim chin kang kor.. wa ta ta lei pai tiuk hao .. hao kah been ang ang .. uh tang see, tiuk meh.. wa mai ka lu ga lou lah .. lu bo eyong eh lang.. lu khee see wa to bou chap lah..
Wa xiang xin thee uhh bak ..
Ah si kong wa chou mmm tiuk, hai tiuk lang.. hor wa teh mia.. chiak kor pun see wa ka ki chui lai eh..

Wa zhai wa tiuk thak jek gao gao.. that's like my only pillar and escape route i have..

:`(

You and Me

2007-10-11T17:56:00.000+13:00

God is always kind to me. Despite having limited friends, He never fails to send me an angel whenever I am in need of someone. After my friend and I drifted apart, He sent me someone special, someone I never did expect to understand me so much. It's rather strange because he's just like a mind reader. Perhaps we are similar in ways which keep us together and different in ways which make us attracted to each other. :)

I hope I did not hurt his pride for being ignorant to what he does. I still need time to override my thoughts that landscape architecture is not an extension of a certified gardening program. At least I still do see some light right... like telling you about my brilliant foot reflexology garden idea :P .. and you almost exploded with your 'you just dont know what landscape architecture is' response.

I like the way how you took away my tequila bottle. I like it better when you shove the bottle into my mouth after I begged you to return it to me. I want to believe that you love. That was why you removed the bottle from me after seeing me gulping away even though your blood was boiling hot. Maybe you were pissed because I chose alcohol over you. I know the feeling of intoxication sucks big time but I could not help it. The smell of alcohol itself is therapeutic.

Forgive me

lost

2007-09-29T22:45:00.000+12:00

i am sick, would someone offer me therapy?
help, help, i need a hand..
lost so much of myself to be someone who i am not...
but do i know who i am to begin with?

i am happy being all alone by myself in my very own world,
being comfy and angry but why did i let you into my life..
lets just pretend we've never met..

my apologies if i mindfucked you all this while..
i am sick of all the mind games i play..
i don't know if manipulating you is how i cope..

how could you possibly tolerate me ...
after all the things i've done to you ..
i feel so remorseful .. wishing i could redeem my guilt..

then again, maybe you have your own agenda..
maybe you dont.. but i can no longer trust..
it hurts so much to hurt.. but cao cao is right
I'd rather betray the world than let the world betray me

*in tears*

Cold heart warm blood

2007-09-26T20:23:00.001+12:00

It takes courage to get out from my comfort zone in such a weather. It takes even more courage (read: stupidity) to get out from the house in baby T, jeans and flip flops. I am not a fan of attention and I feel so naked with so many pair of eyes looking at me today.

On my way to school, a random woman said to me, 'Are you not coldddddd???' 'My brain was too numb to answer. Then I met my group mate and he asked me the same thing again. 'ARE YOU NOT COLDDD??!?!?!.. After class (unofficially), my friends saw me and one of them asked me if I was having hyperthyroidism. I don't appear to have a goitre but she was more interested if I was having a functional thyroid adenoma.

Honestly speaking, I don't give flying fuck about my health. Fried liver. Burnt lungs. Stuffed brain. It's okay. I think my uterus and ovaries are screwed to. I have been enjoying six months of amenorrhea.

Anyway, I cant believe HM gave me a PD for my clinical decision making report. I wonder what made her change her mind from the initial P she crossed. Small deal but I spent ages doing that shiat.

Patient's Autonomy

2007-09-25T13:11:00.000+12:00

I spent 15 minutes in the operating theatre trying to polish my elementary eye anatomy fundamentals while waiting for Mr Surgeon to turn up. Then, came this really nice reg telling me, 'you know.. this is the first time... but this patient ....doesnt want to have a student.. in here'... Okay perfectly fine with me. Patient's autonomy utmost important, I respect that. I wonder to what extend is this principle practiced by people back at home? Thank God I did not scrub in. Imagine if I were to spend double 3-minute-session killing my hands with chlorhexidine or iodine and doing the rest of the procedure, I'll be utmost horrified. I never like those sterile gloves anyway.

On the way out, I met another surgical reg who's really cool - spent my on call night watching TV with him. How interesting is that for someone like me who's so pathetic and watches no TV. :( He asked me, 'haalloo .. are you having some fashion show or what?' ..'Noo ... I just got kicked out from the theatre, the patient doesnt want student..' ... 'No, no, I mean you were wearing something different this morning..' 'Oh, no, that was just ward round.. but I had nothing after that.' .. Okay .. *lift came* 'Cyah'.

*****

I wish I could sing 'Oh happppy dayyyyy' .. but the day isnt that happy with super shitty weather. It's going to be shitty for the next couple of days too. Sigh. I have too much to do and I just cant find the right grey matter to do it. Tired, tulan, hungry, tulan, pissed, tulan, bored, tulan, confused, tulan, frustrated, tulan and tulan tulan tulan.

Happy Mid Autumn Festival

2007-09-20T15:55:00.000+12:00

Is love the same as affection?
Can there be love without affection?
What is affection without love?
Is it a form of lust?
Can affection be a subset of love?
Or rather love is a subset of affection?

The more I try to de-confuse myself, the more confused I get.
I admit that I dig affection but it's not a pleasure seeking sort of thing.
I am guilty to the highest degree for wanting no-strings attached affection yet
I can't override my schematic thoughts that affection without love is unacceptable.

Decided to ask someone

n-g says:what's da diff between love and affection
yet~! says:love, you will do anything for that person (1)
yet~! says:affection, just a display of emotions....which can be faked (2)

Okay.
Let's forget about (1) because it's one of the most severe problems affecting millions and millions of people all over the world. High chronicity and recurrence rate. Severe stupidity can be expected and significant mortality rates are often associated with it. Artificial intelligence has no place in circumstances like this.

Lets limit (2) to non maternal/familial affection.
He might not be having that sort of affection as he claimed to be since affection can be faked and exploited, with reference to (2).
Hence, he can have some hidden agendas for all I know.Affection is superficial.
To get that affection, I was superficial, am superficial and still will be superficial.
Why am I complaining?
I was the one who started all this shit to begin with.
I mean if the affection makes me happy, then I should enjoy it by all means. No?

But the issue here lies with the fact that I am so afraid that the affection would turn into feelings which cannot be reciprocated.
Things will get really ugly if anyone gets burnt, it doesnt matter who, be it the one to hurt or be hurt.
We are humans afterall and we can't control our actions and emotions at times.
I don't want to hurt, but I dont want to be hurt either.
There's a price for everything in life, guess we should prepare ourselves in paying for that price.
Worth it or not, we will know someday...by then it might be too late

I miss your 美琳, 我想念你.

My body has no braille

2007-09-19T17:03:00.000+12:00

What a beautiful day out there.Today is one of the warmest day I've had in Welly, but strange enough, my heart is still as cold as ever.Human interaction is one amazing subject. I mean it doesnt have to be restricted to verbal communication as non-verbal communication can be very exciting as well.

This dude whom I've met not more than six times is surely one interesting guy with special (read: weird) expression of love and feelings. He gets very touchy most of the time - touching here there everywhere, forgetting he's just one step away from one tight slap. I was quite pissed. I asked him 'Who (?What) do you see me as?' or 'What were you thinking?' I really wanted to know what's in his mind. He told me, 'good friend' and then he said whatever he did was a "method to build relationship, to show feelings.."

.... w ... t.....F ...

It was so disturbing. This is definitely NOT the way you get to know someone. Even if he's blind mybody has no braille on it. I was pretty disgusted - he would have probably unclothed me in his brain. However, two weeks ago, before we went for some drinks, he showed me this 'dick in a box' clip on you tube. It was so crappy.. my immediate thought was like .. 'thanks but you are not giving me such gift are you?..'
Think it's high time for me to stop playing with fire - should heed for the saying curiosity kills the cat.

Fuckstrated

2007-09-18T08:44:00.000+12:00

I doubt this word exists in the dictionary but I am fucking frustrated with life. I made a draft yesterday on notepad but stupidly not remember to save it. Yesterday was one of those 'I-hate-life' days and words can do no justice in describing my utmost contempt and hatred towards my shitty well-being. Best of all, the shittiness is still lingering all around me at this very moment. What happens to the 'Everyday is a brand new day' shit? That's shit, shit you to whoever who says it. Simply, there's no logic to having a brand new day with same old shit.

So now, here I am, a cynical skeptical ruthless human with a healthy dose of paranoia, learning to see the world in better shades. Unfortunately, the harder I try, the more disastrous the outcome is. I stumbled upon this buddhist saying of 'attachment brings suffering.' I know it sounds very 'chim' and profound but I am still far from achieving that end point.

I AM SO NOT IN THE MOOD TODAY!

Gastro

2007-08-02T17:31:00.000+12:00

According to my university's annual planner, this is already the 27th week since 4th year started. How true is the saying time and tide wait for no man. Tomorrow will be the end of the Clinical Skills and Gastroenterology run which surprisingly has been really good. I hope to score a decent grade for this assessment. I've studied much throughout this entire two weeks and I leave the rest unto God's hands.

El-shaddai

Strange Feeling

2007-07-30T17:19:00.000+12:00

There she was lying on the bed, waiting for the dreadful tube to be inserted down her gut. Least expected was for her to return my smile. How lovely she was. She extended her arm, wanting someone to hold her hand while the IV canula was being inserted on the other arm. I responded to her cue, held her hand and gave her the most reassuring NVC I could. Never felt I was of any use to anyone as a medical student. I could not describe the sense of gratification when she said, "Thank you, [n-g]."

In this human rat race, everyone wants to achieve a great deal in life. But have we lost ourselves in the pursuit of fame, power, money, status or whatever parameters one uses to define success? Do we still know who we truly are? Mother Teresa once said, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love." Perhaps, she's right.

xxox

Pain

2007-07-27T20:36:00.000+12:00

No matter how many pills I downed, I can still feel the wound.
Why is it called pain relief when it has no effect on my bitterness?
How did I become so tragic?
I know I am feeling really miserable.
I can't tell what it is like but it's painful.
Objectively, I cannot relate why or how.
I can end up in tears by just thinking of me and my life.
How did I end up with my self-destructive ways?
Perhaps it's fated. Cannot be changed. Born like that.

...

2007-07-25T22:36:00.000+12:00

I am perplexed with the complexity of life – how versatile humans can be, ever reacting to environmental changes in various ways. Maybe it’s just me, always wanting to see the world in grey shades. Maybe it’s just my self-destructive ways – like to be lost in this big world hoping that I would be found some day.

Who am I?
Why am I who I am?
Will I still be who I am if given a second chance?

What do I want to achieve at the end of the day?
Will I be happy if I do achieve it?
Will I be better off by not achieving it?

How is the world our teacher?
How much should we learn from the world?
Why are there no definite answers in life?

Are these questions from the core of my mind?

I feel very insecure. I do not know what truly makes me happy. I have no idea what I really need. I know nothing is permanent as change is the only constant in life. I get affected so easily by life circumstances and the only way for me to cope is to set a barrier in human interaction.

No idea what I am trying to convey in this post.

"To get what we’ve never had, we must do what we’ve never done."
Nice quote but what’s that very something I never had and do I really want it to begin with?

El-Shaddai.

A Strange Story

2007-06-14T21:26:00.000+12:00

Is it true that it's difficult for a guy and a girl to be friends? March 06, I met someone from my usual playground. It's funny how we met because he knew what I was trying to do and in fact 'helped' me into doing it. I had no idea how it developed and we somehow ended up doing lunch. We met often. Perhaps I was kind of lonely with life and wanted to be with someone different for a change. One day, he took my hand. I did not let go because I felt kind of secured to be with him. But after that, the sudden thought of 'n-g... stop it.. what the hell are you thinking.. please.. use your brain..' and I quickly stopped all reciprocal actions.

I had no confidence in the relationship because I knew my parents would not approve of it. I had very strong stand that I no longer wanted to stem worries in my parents. On the other hand, I thought I would miss the companionship if I were to tell him that I was not ready for the relationship. Also, at then I had no idea if I truly liked him. I tried to forget him but it took lots of courage. Then again, he sort of understood. He said I would be better off without him as I was going to have a bright future awaiting for me. Had no idea but we sort of distant ourselves from each other.

A couple of months later, he drove me up the wall by meddling with my affairs. I was dead furious with what he did. He said whatever he did was for my own good which was still very much in doubt, till today. I was just trying to be a bitch by stirring some trouble on behalf of someone else. Anyway only God knows why he did it. We kept very superficial contact as he said it was time for him to move on and I guess I should not be playing with fire which I never thought was fire in the first place.

January 07, I met up with him during my overnight trip to Singapore. He was still as gentleman as he was. In fact he even paid for the dinner we had with my friends. I put up a night at his place (Let me make this clear: Nothing happened in case you are thinking of something raunchy..) Maybe, he was just another friend and according to my natal chart, friends come and go easily which I found it pretty true. We kinda stopped keeping in touch after my departure and recently, I deleted him off my MSN. I thought it was time to move on with the hope of 'out of sight, out of mind.' At times, I ponder if my action was right or my decisions were justified. But knowing how things could not change, I guess it was time to let go rather than kindling to memories of the what ifs and could've beens.

I've come to a point that I've given up on relationships. Perhaps the lady who read the Tong Shu was right. I should focus more on my studies and build a good career. Afterall, it is going to be more rewarding than investing in relationships which I think I have tried hard enough throughout my life. She was right again. The Y chromosomes are difficult to understand and most of them are up to no good. It just takes forever to know them. With comfortable earning, I guess living a simple yet meaningful life will not be a problem.

xxox

Raisin Scones Anyone?

2007-06-13T21:01:00.001+12:00

This is my very first time..*shy* ..hence, I have no idea if the texture is right but somehow it turned out to be better than what I expected. Thinking that I had the magic fingers of a baker, I 'modified' most steps. In fact I even used the wrong flour to begin with. For someone who is far from being domesticated, baking is definitely a challenge. Here are some photos. Enjoy. xxxo

That yellow stuff is NOT egg yolk. It's butter.

You know, yummy stuff that can make you balloon up like nobody's business!!

Ready to go into the oven. But don't ask me why they are so enormously sized.
Maybe I am too lazy to make 24 small portions. 12 is much quicker. Okay! Stop rolling your eyes!!

For those who have baking skills and experience (you know who you are ..bluek),
you would have thought that the raisins gonna get burnt right... Otherwise shame on you!!! .. Ha-ha-ha. Anyway, just some of it got burnt.
Well, I can always say that the photo is meant to be some chocolate chip cookie ayee.. :)))

What do you think?

Bon Appétit

Seejuuuuukkkkk!!!

2007-06-12T19:13:00.001+12:00

uuuuhhhhhhhhhh.........

What do I do when the nights are cold

What do I tell myself when my heart misses you

"You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness.” - Julia Roberts

Bean Bag

2007-06-12T17:56:00.000+12:00

New addition to my room. I had no idea what I was thinking when I walked out of Plasticbox carrying this. Hmmm. I mean I like bean bags because they are really comfortable and friendly to 'unique' asses like mine - abnormally shaped and sized... but what's the justification of buying when I clearly know that my room will not fit one. Hahaha. Guess old ways just die hard...

Tamara Red!!! Red isn't exactly my favourite colour but it looks really gorgeous. Anyway, to those people who 'beria-ia' wanting to visit me, this is where you are going to sleep on :)

I spent almost quarter to an hour to find this fabric. It's not dirt cheap but way cheaper than paying $17.95 for a metre of cloth. It is good to have an additional cover for this beanie because the original cover is not something you can dump into the washing machine. Now, it's high time for me to find a good place to position this giant pinkish red dumpling and not trip over it when I am late for classes.

xxox
with love

Would you like some $$$ in your mailbox?

2007-06-11T22:07:00.000+12:00

It was just another day for me, coming back from uni, entering my residential building, checking the mailbox and ta-dah.. never did I expect to receive this envelope..from Canada, said the stamp.

Immediately, mit's picture came to mind. She told me she would send me C$ 100, as my belated birthday gift. I thought she was just tickling my ass when she said was going to send through snail mail. I never thought she would. Afterall, common sense taught us humans that we should not send money through post, what more a superior medical student like mit. Her explanation was rather amazing. It was something like this...

"Why should I give the bank $20 just to send you $100. Silly isn't it? I am sure the mail man won't take it. Even if he did, I rather give the money to him than to the bank..."

Interesting isn't it? She's never fails to amaze me. Her reasoning can be thought-provoking at times. It certainly made my day. Not so much of the money but her generosity. She wanted me to get a crumpler bag..perhaps she had forgotten where I was - the super boring land with nothing worth buying. Moreover, I am pretty reluctant to spend it. I want to keep the money till the day I can tell her kids, 'Did you know that your mother ....bla bla bla.. '

Thank you woman! Hope you'll do well in your upcoming exams. Kick ass.

With love.

hanya tuhan saja yang tahu

2007-06-10T17:33:00.000+12:00

i blew up my psych paper.. i didn't know what the hell was wrong with me then.. i knew i could've done better.. lets see if i could get through this.. sigh.. hanya tuhan saja yang tahu kepiluan aku.. at times i wonder what good does life challenges do to me.. even if it's true that one becomes stronger, i do not see that happening.. perhaps it's not happening.. i am glad for this 2 weeks break, gives me time to ponder on my journey.. no one should ever feel sorry for themselves.. not even a wee bit.. i am glad that i have friends whom i can really rely on.. not many but how the friendship has beautifully blossom over the years.. you know, keeping good friends ain't easy .. it's just like sowing seeds all over the ground.. some may grow some may not.. some may grow more easily than the others .. some may be damaged by the weeds .. it takes time..

people change constantly, just another human survival skill - to be able to adapt to environmental changes and life demands.. i go off track easily but i am glad there are people who are able to kick me back on track.. coming to welly is interesting, to be away from my base for the first time.. no parents.. no buddies.. no family members..no familiar faces and places.. it's like giving up most of me .. most of what I had at home.. but with time, i somehow developed a strange liking for the serenity and tranquility found here.. gonna get myself a bean bag and sink myself into it with a good book and some nyammy coffee .. aaahhhh .. blissful :)

Psych

2007-06-06T23:12:00.000+12:00

Psych is coming to an end. Five weeks ago feels like yesterday. I still feel as if I don't know anything. There's so much to learn and it's not comforting at all to know that learning does not equate to retaining. I'm glad my consultant was rather lax and nice (...and lets hope he will be nice to my PASAF form too). I am also quite happy knowing that I've got all my module requirements done although it was draining me away for the past 5 days. I never knew I can get so much sucked in by writing a psych case hx. Nevertheless, I am still looking for room for improvement although time is not on my side as I've heaps to read and study.

I tried to understand myself better by relating to others during this run. I became so obsessed with who I was who I am and what I will be. I was so into personality disorders and was in search of my type. I never knew Jung's personality typing can be so accurate (for me at least). Will bitch later on that.

I just want myself to know that more good things are happening to me .. maybe that's my change in perception..maybe my world is rocking away... maybe God wants to be nice to me this time ard.. maybe this and maybe that..

Does it matter anyway?

Live life to the fullest. Follow your hearts. Chase your dreams. Challenge yourself. Screw any self-defeating thoughts or behaviour. You can't re-live history but since there's an undiscovered journey in front of you, make the change.

xxox

Tired, Lost, Sleepy

2007-05-29T17:58:00.000+12:00

Sometimes I wonder if I am depressed. I reckon I am and I fit the criteria of DSM-IV but somehow I still think it's bull. I know there are heaps of stuff waiting for my attention yet I could not bring myself to do it. I don't know why. I am sad and lost wondering who I am and what's the purpose of my existence. With special interest in personality disorder, I could not comprehend but to read in fear. I wonder if that uneventful experience I had two years ago qualified as mania. If it is, then I am a bipolar, no? With regards to this my consultant told me that most medical students are obsessive. Am I?

Yesterday I was talking to a mental health user. I guess both of us share similar traits in many ways and this sort of create some fear and worry in me. Sigh. We share the same dreams and hopes yet we won't know when we'll achieve them, if ever. Guess, sleeping ten hours a day is a good way of keeping myself distracted. Still could cope with its consequences for now. No idea if I could in due course. Irresponsible is the key word here, knowing what one should do and yet not do it.

Many times, I feel guilty for my unreasonable behaviour. Not that I am getting wasted or doing drugs daily but ... it's just hard to explain. Afterall, my generous parents are so kind to me. This year alone, they paid about $70k for my forth year in NZ. That's pretty big sum after conversion to the Ringgit. I wish I could make my parents my confidante but I just don't have the heart to fail them. Telling them my fears and insecurities would only make them even more worried. I am a lousy daughter with poor fighting spirit.

Resah. Perjalanan hidupku tidak pernah senang. Penuh dengan harungan dan cabaran yang tidak pernah kuduga. Hanya Tuhan saja yang tahu, betapa seksanya aku. Tiada apa yang berani kupinta. Hanya tangisan air mata menjadi teman.

Rindu

2007-05-28T20:14:00.000+12:00

I miss home I miss home I miss home I miss home I miss home!

Sigh.

I miss terrorizing people on the road with my little machine

I miss my routine pedicure, manicure, facial and massage

I miss my hairdresser and new hairdos

I miss my piano

I miss going to the gym

I miss malaysian food

I miss hanging out in the mamak

I am no longer a sinful glutton here

I miss my friends

I miss the art of retail therapy

I miss my mum and her nagging

I miss not needing to clean, cook, do the dishes or laundry

I miss dad and his temper

I miss hanging out with my parents in their room when I am bored/lonely

I miss Manglish

I miss not having to express myself and yet people still understand me

I miss not needing to justify my actions

Sigh

This list can go on forever

Till then rinduuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

*cry*

Mindfulness

2007-05-26T22:12:00.000+12:00

What's mindfulness?

–adjective
attentive, aware, or careful

I feel I no longer know who I am ~ where's the angie I once knew? The LOUD and WACKY one, bordering LOONEY. I thought I was really sharp when I was younger. tongue, thoughts, response, ideas.. anything except for my boobs. No idea if I used to have overinflated ego. I feel that life has not been going the course I want it to be. Then again, I have no idea how I want it to be. However, I am pretty certain on how I want it NOT to be. Geez. This is so complex. Can I do a MSE on myself?

Sigh, I know I should not be harping on the past. Ever since I entered med school, life has been really rocky. Till today, I am still carrying my emotional baggage of regrets and guilt. It's pathetic to have miserable self-esteem with excessive self-doubt. What good are such thoughts? It makes life more insecure than it already is. How am I to run any race with such burden. Being less than mindful is dangerous. What's the point of thinking about the what-ifs and could've beens. Afterall, I was the one who made the decisions. There's no one else to blame except for myself.

God has been good to me so far.
Time to re-count His blessings. It's definitely way more than what I can ask for.

Innuendo - Until The End of Time

2007-04-28T23:01:00.000+12:00

I never knew that you'll be so beautiful
I never thought in a million years you'll be mine…
For all my life been waiting for to see a dream coming true
I never wants believe there's someone there like you
So there I was, try to make it all my own
Alone and soon I thought I couldn't change the whole world
For all my life been searching always try to find
Someone like you to love me until the end of time

And I give my heart and soul
I give it all to you…to you
All my hopes and dreams someday
This wedding ring
I love you, until the end of time

All the sweet days
I love the little thing you said
You know I hope for
You said you take my breath away
What have I done to deserve you my lady
To feel your love inside
To know that you will love me until the end of time

And I give my heart and soul
I give it all to you…to you
All my hopes and dreams someday

This diamond ring
I love you, I really love you
And I give my heart and soul
This wedding ring (just take it all, I only need you, I need you)

Darling I just love you so, I love you so…
Hope you can believe it
This beauty in my heart
And then I'll be with you until the end of time
I like the music but the lyrics are way off for a realist like me. Falling in love is dumb but strangely, it feels good to be dumb. Is it a state of mind or a temporary rage of sex hormones? Is there another dimension out there involving fatal attraction between two people..or maybe more if you like having an orgy. How about marriage, ridiculous isn't it? Can you face someone day in day out for most years in your life? Then again, without marriage there wouldn't be any cheap thrills in infidelity eh? Perhaps, the trend is changing and it's pretty normal to be part of the statistics when it comes to divorce. Hmm, think I should stop here before things go outta hand.

Being Cuckoo

2007-04-28T22:47:00.000+12:00

Last night, I was introduced to two decent looking guys by my '25-year-old' uncle housemate. Has been ages since I last laughed this hard. Was quite impressed with their 'general knowledge' - at least marginal miles away from most ignorant dumbass I've met.

I like alco. It makes me comfortable. I don't go to the other extreme of being intoxicated but I just love its effects in moderate amount. No no, I am not alco-angie. No no, I don't go wild or disinhibted from drinking. No no, I don't like getting drunk and fat hopes if you think you are going to get lucky tonight. Just kidding!

Just found out that one of the guys was a pervert (P) with super huge collection of porn stored in his computer. Thought uncle was joking when he mentioned that P's kind of lonely in life, needed a companion and that crap...blabla humans needed sex and I should not be shy. Hohoho. Thanks but no thanks man. Never did remember of having any advertisement on selling myself. P???? J told me to tell him that I'd rather die a virgin!

Still contemplating if I should carry on with my initial plan of getting a studio. If there's vacancy, I have to fork out extra $74 a week. Mit snapped at me 'EH, YOUR FATHER PRINT MONEY NOW ISSIT?.' A good daughter should save her parents money no? Lets see how things go. If there's no vacancy, then I should remain here. Afterall I just dislike the idea of updating my addresses all the time. Then I have to deal with the bank again to readjust my automatic payment and all that crap. It's just ridiculous being a nomad.

Time to buck up for endo. Not too bad to have jimbeam+coke as company.

Cheerio. :)

95th day

2007-04-25T20:04:00.000+12:00

... in New Zealand

Never truly reflect my actual thoughts and feelings since I left home; too fearful to look back perhaps. I do dismiss my emotional cry out often, I do believe in some mechanism of plasticity, in this context at least. Am I coping? Am I living? Am I surviving? No idea. Does it matter anyway?

Honestly, I have no regrets moving out from that unit. I am better off at where I am now. Happy here, lovely housemates. Comfortable at least. Nice weirdo CT to check out at times. Nearer to the city but bad for my shopping budget. I am settling in. Late but better than never. As for now, I need to bridge the differences I need to pick my pieces and bring myself up to where I should be I like being lost and not wanting to be found Just wander till I find my heart's content

Cheerio

El Shaddai

2006-11-06T19:36:00.000+13:00

El Shaddai
Lyrics by: Michael Card and John Thompson
Performed by: Amy Grant

El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
El-Elyon na Adonia,
Age to age You're still the same,
By the power of the name.
El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
Erkamka na Adonai,
We will praise and lift You high,
El Shaddai.

Through your love and through the ram,
You saved the son of Abraham;
Through the power of your hand,
Turned the sea into dry land.
To the outcast on her knees,
You were the God who really sees,
And by Your might,
You set Your children free.

El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
El-Elyon na Adonia,
Age to age
You're still the same,
By the power of the name.
El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
Erkamka na Adonai,
We will praise and lift You high,
El Shaddai.

Through the years You've made it clear,
That the time of Christ was near,
Though the people couldn't see
What Messiah ought to be.
Though Your Word contained the plan,
They just could not understand
Your most awesome work was done
Through the frailty of Your Son.

El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
El-Elyon na Adonai,
Age to age
You're still the same,
By the power of the name.
El Shaddai, El
Shaddai,
Erkamka na Adonai,
I will praise and lift You high,
El Shaddai.

El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
El-Elyon na Adonai,
Age to age
You're still the same,
By the power of the name.
El Shaddai,
El Shaddai,
Erkamka na Adonai,
I will praise and lift You high,
El Shaddai.

For a clip of it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfboU8LSODk

This song accompanied me last night. I was moved. I cried and cried.
I beg God to set me free from my human ways and keep me under His mighty wings.
I asked for forgiveness for running away from Him; wanting to seek my own freedom.
In the end, such 'freedom' did more 'harm' than good to my spirit.
I've no right to claim such freedom for my soul was bought with a price.
My mission on earth is to praise and glorify Him.

read God's word and Psalm 81 kept close to heart.
Afterall that has happened, I cannot refuse to aknowledge my 'fall'.
But I shall walk by faith and not by sight.

~Erkama Adonai :)

Are Tears Symbol of Vulnerability?

2006-11-06T03:09:00.000+13:00

I've spoken so much to myself, more than I ever did to anyone.
I no longer have the courage to open up to anyone
let alone to subject myself to vulnerability.

I thought I would die of loneliness; but I am still alive.
I thought I would die if my world falls apart; but I am still breathing.

Are tears a mark of weakness?
Yes. Definitely.
Tears echo vulnerability.
I hate every single drop of tear I shed.
It's nothing but a reflection of my bleeding heart.

I hate it.
I hate it that no matter how much I forbid myself I still cry.

'NO! Don't. Not even a single drop. You can do without it.'
and the next thing I know, my pillow is wet if not my lecture notes.
Sigh.

Exams are getting nearer and nearer.
I wouldnt want history to repeat itself
Trying hard to control my emotions and
not intending to consume the medications I have for anxiety
My God is bigger!

I am begging God to get me through EOS5 for He's my only source of strength and courage.
I could not find what it takes to trust anyone else; except Him and Him alone.
Day by day, I am pleading God to lead me to Truth.
Or at least reassure me that I am praying to a living God.

Wang Sheng Tian - My MAN!

2006-10-21T20:19:00.000+13:00

I like the role of Wang Sheng Tian played by Wang Shi Xian in the super-long -500++-episode-Taiwanese Hokkien series, Yi Nan Wang.

Infact, to say I like would be an understatement because the special affection and respect I have for this 2D-figure could not be expressed by the limitation of words.

He gives me the sense of security, confidence and faith

[Before I continue, allow me to disclaim myself. I may not be in health {as defined by WHO} but I am still illogically sane which means that I am perfectly fine...heh..I truly understand the meaning of REEL VS REAL but with the harshness of society, just allow me to seek comfort in imaginary cocoon okay]

Let me justify why I truly adore this man who displays to a great extent what a 'fine gentleman' should be in no order of importance.

[who says love is blind and offers no explanation anyway?]

I honour his high reverence for filial piety

I respect his sense of diplomacy and leadership skills; stern yet reasonable,
strong yet kind, confident yet humble, appreciative yet far sighted.

I trust him because he's a man of integrity - trustworthy enough to honour his
promises; most brilliantly he’s able to forgive without holding grudges

I like the way how he reminisces his past, always remembering his roots and humble
beginnings in life - to take pride in how far he has come and to have faith in how far he'll go.

I admire how he treasures people around him and values the beauty friendship

I am truly impressed with his definition and perception of success,
where success is NOT bound by the means of material wealth and earthly possessions
but the well-being of people he truly cares.

I adore how silly he can be at times and how he can lose his mind over Li Zhu.
He could just let go his ego and pride for the woman he truly loves.

Most importantly, I respect his patience, understanding, faithfulness, loyal and undying love for Li Zhu even though she 'disappeared' for so long. It amazes me how he reveres the holiness of matrimony with trust and respect even though this integration may not be recognised by civil or family definition.

I cant help but this song made me feel your pain and insecurities so deeply.
My heart bleeds whenever this two lines came to play:

'Chi Ni Kui Chi Ni’ [a year passes, another year pases]
‘Chi Ni Tia Chi Ni’ [a painful year, another painful year]

It's not easy to be torn apart between two women you deeply love.
It must have hurt so much to not know how your only son looks like or
does he even recognises you as his father in the very first place.

I revere a man like this.
Of course, such man is no where to be found in terms of 3D
Nevertheless, there’s still a glimmer of hope… somewhere.. in my dreams.. ;)

Sheng Tian and Li Zhu, I hope somewhere in this world, there would be couples like you both. Nothing beats the joy of being able to celebrate the triumph of success after facing so much obstacles and uncertainties in life. HOPE keeps people going.

Li Zhu, I look up to your strength, as a wife with no identity, a hopeful yet insecured single mother , a filial daughter to honour the monetary demands of a woman who is not even your biological mother, to learn that you are an adopted child yet not knowing that your biological parents are looking for you throughout your entire life, and how sane you can be to play the role as an understanding superior... Most importantly, how much you have sacrificed to be able to bite your bitterness and swallow your sorrow to help the man you love to revere his role as a filial son.

~ * ~ W I T H L O V E ~ * ~

My 0-cent

2006-10-19T05:53:00.000+13:00

I used to follow politics but I gave up eons ago.
Truth is ugly
Reality bites
Ignorance is bliss
And best of all, it still hasn't changed at all ..after all this while.

I want to remember what I posted in the Internet forum I frequent, a respond to a particular topic undermining the credibility of a prominent ethnic leader, hence here I am.

Ethnic propagandas are stale.
BORING BORING BORING!
Can we have something new and less predictable in Malaysian politics?
I don't see the rich being any kinder to the poor. The elites are happily socialising away with their counterparts of other ethnicity. Perhaps, money is the common factor bringing people together. It's only the bunch of people who are left with the pie's aluminium foil feeling oppressed.
It's funny. I don't wish to undermine the selection committee's intelligence in giving out scholarships but it's not uncommon to see children of the rich being scholarship recipients. You dont beg for $ to further your education and yet tell your peers that your parents are flying first class to visit you eh? I believe this is applicable to all major ethnic groups.
Greed, power and money will make you hili hulu. Make hay while the sun shines. Afterall, you don't know when your time is up in politics. If you get my drift.. Fighting for people's rights.. good good.. but self interests still come before the rest right?
In conclusion,
Harapkan pagar, pagar makan padi.
Doesn't matter which ethnic group you belong to.
If you are poor, very high chances of you being oppressed.
Maybe one can put the blame on fate as comfort.

HA HA HA

Ke-N-G-ian

2006-10-18T16:33:00.000+13:00

I want to verbalise my thoughts so badly
There's so much I want to say in life
Who would share the sentiments as I do

Thanks to blogspot.com, a modern replacement of personal diaries.
No, I am not interested in the fame from 'blog-whoring' or wanting people around me to know how 'happening' my miserable life is.

I did this [NOW] because I want to feel normal.
Talking to myself, pretending that my softoy is listening and concuring with me or looking at the sky for motivation and support.. hmph.. borders insanity, no?
Heh. I am serious.

Sigh.

He's so beautiful yet I have no courage to admire him from the front
He's so dynamic yet I cannot bring myself to speak to him
All I could do is to enjoy the lateral view of his face and upper trunk from where I am.
My object of adoration yet blurred with shadows of dislike.
Afterall, who would like to be reminded of her stupidity and vulnerability?
I wish I could hug him, but who am I?

Some things are better left unsaid.
Six weeks of productive studying and the chapter closes.
Goodbye University.

I am going to study hard and pass my EOS
I WILL PASS
I MUST PASS!!!
[I love you pa, ma. This will be for you guys]

Both Sides Now

2006-10-11T17:26:00.000+13:00

As I was listening to my favourite CD, Best Audiophile Voices II, this song caught my attention. I like Jeanette Lindstorm's rendition of Both Sides Now. Hopefully it's able to inspire me for now.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Bows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From WIN and LOSE and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Heavy Hearted

2006-10-10T05:23:00.000+13:00

The news came
My application was rejected

I dont know if I should feel devastated
or to try being optimistic when I am clearly not

Should I believe that it's a blessing in disguise
that God has better plans for me
Or this is the consequence of my own doing

I've always wanted to leave the house
But I know I can't bear to part with my parents

I love them I thought the additional year in Malaysia would be lovely so I can stay close to them. As they are getting older by the day, how much time is there left for me to spend with them?

Unfortunately, life has its own course.
'Man proposes but God disposes' eh?

*sigh*

Going Bonkus! sobs

2006-09-29T03:18:00.000+12:00

The past few days didn't run very well for me.Things were moving haphazardly and there were times I had no idea what I was doing.

I can't communicate effectively. My thoughts and verbal responses do not match.

I can't think clearly. Everything is muddled.

I hate it when I get emo.

I hate it when I can't evaluate my perceptions, beliefs and feelings in the way I should.

It feels as though I have been thrown out of my locus of control.

It feels very hei-mong-mong.

N-G oh N-G. How long do you want to be like that?
Out of 7 days, there bound to be 3 days where it feels as though the world is on your shoulders.

If I don't pick myself up and start fighting, I'll be in the dump again.

I am going to land myself into trouble if I carry on being so 'hili-hulu'

For instance, I sent in my narratives without remembering to paste it into Form B. Can you beat that?
Next what? Walking out of the house in nude?

Life can be difficult, when the unforgiving one is none other than yourself.
I have no idea how long can I sustain this emotional burden and prevent myself from weeping.

Nine weeks of formal learning to go.

Goodbye university
Farewell painful chapter
But unkind memories will haunt for life.

Nothing Good...

2006-09-27T01:40:00.000+12:00

Dear ECYS

Nothing good comes out from your mouth.

Funny. After reading The Art of Baca Muka by JY and also attended his seminar on MX, I don't see anything wrong with the shape of your mouth. It resembles no hamchimpeng. According to him, people with 'shapeless' mouth always say the wrong things at the wrong time. BUT WHY! At such age, it's high time to be accountable for the things you say.

Maybe it's your eyes.
[I like looking into people's eyes. Maybe I am some sort of psychic gifted with the ability to see, understand and predict the future. Perhaps time will tell. Maybe time shouldn't. Heh]

Okay it’s your eyes then. Resentful, it tells me. Perhaps, you have some unresolved matters somewhere or something unpleasant did happen to you before. But, but.. NOT AT MY EXPENSE OKAY!

After countless events of verbal abuse, I give up.
Instead of taking it to heart, I forgive you.

Afterall, coming from someone who has to attend English Classes for [almost] his entire life in the university, perhaps communication is the REAL problem.

But I'll always remember you and the things you say.

'You should know better what, afterall you took one year to study this semester'

'Stupid girl, you know how much money is RMxx K or not? Can buy a car already you know!'

'How come got emo problems? You lose your virginity to him is it?'

'Why, what's wrong with your background.. You kena rape before issit?'

'Eh, what songs are those.. give me headache only!'

'Why so sui .. you kena accident bang car issit?'

AND TODAY...

Besides looking like BOZO THE CLOWN, [AGAIN] you amused me by making a stupid remark like..

'I HOPE THE FLASHER FLASH AT YOU!' ..

Hello.
CAN YOU BEAT THAT?
Which dumb ass would think of something like that?
How random can random get?

Now I do wonder if I did owe you in my past life.
Maybe I slept with your ‘boyfriend’ in my past life, hence the payback time now.
MY GOD! You really hate me don’t you?

As for now, I shall give you the benefit of the doubt by believing that you have no malicious intentions.

If one day I decide to be who I was, I will retaliate!! I MEAN IT!

ok.done-ranting.bye

Narratives

2006-09-26T01:37:00.000+12:00

I feel silly, as always. Have been thinking on what to write for the past few weeks but ended up composing a couple of hours before its due. I guess I shouldn't try too hard to stand out because I never like being in the limelight. I shouldn't feel sorry for myself for being less ambitious compared to my peers but to take pride in my nurturing character because I can never be someone whom I am not. As I grow older, I prefer the behind-the-scenes role. Hence, I took the down to earth yet sincere path.

When one decides to pursue medicine as a career, one agrees to embark on a journey of lifelong learning. Upon graduation, I hope I have laid all the foundation required for me to be a competent and cooperative medical professional. With positive virtues to complement my knowledge and skills, I hope I can make a difference to people’s lives.

I have strong interests in child poverty and women issues thus leading to my aspiration to pursue two postgraduate diplomas in child and women’s health respectively after graduation. I believe these postgraduate studies will strengthen my confidence in serving the underprivileged when I participate in medical missions and volunteer programs. I feel strongly about empowering women and children from underdeveloped countries through health and knowledge. Also, I would like to advocate for the first non-profit women and children hospital to be built in my home country.

Life has taught me much throughout my journey as a medical student. I never did understand the meaning of failure until my first in medical school. From this, I learnt much about humility, courage and perseverance. I never knew what compassion and
patience were all about until I was yearning for it. With such understanding, I hope to respond well to people’s emotional and psychological needs.

There’s nothing more I desire than to serve society by being a competent doctor with good medical practice. As once said by Mother Teresa, “We can do no great things; only small things with great love.”

What else can I say. I feel more than I think, which makes me more miserable than anyone else. Afterall, there's a quote by Horace Walpole which says, "The world is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think."

Happily Unhappy

2006-09-20T18:46:00.000+12:00

I know this makes no sense to you but it certainly does to me.

I am happy to be remorseful, miserable and pathetic.

Then again, I cant help but to wonder why my happiness is extremely short-lived. My excitement dies down easily. Reading all those self-help tips on how to be happy doesn't seem to help. Retail therapy, gastronomic adventures, spas and beauty splurges are not helping either. [My problem with retail therapy started when I got my car and it has been doing me more harm than good ever since. How sad :"(]

Guess, good things come free.

Perhaps simplicity is what I require.

Maybe it's the fire element I am lacking in my chart.

[F/S Practioner said that people who lack this element would not be happy in life]

Heh. Poor N-G. You are so sad ..

S - A - D

But at least I am happy with this blog.

No one knows about it (I hope) and

Hopefully no one bumps into it too.

Perhaps one of these days, I should start blog whoring and earn some good money from adsense.

Afterall, we know S-E-X SELLS!.

But don't get me wrong, my body is not.

p/s: IF YOU SO HAPPEN TO READ MY BLOG, please do let me know because I am curious to see what is'coincidence' is

MSK

2006-09-19T23:42:00.000+12:00

I am so pissed that I am not thinking the way I should.
My mental response is pathetic.

I am still left with 22 sets of notes to read, very far behind time.
MSK summative is just appx 60+ hours away and my confidence level is like 2%.
I hate being emo, trying hard not to be emo but all these inhibitions are doing me more harm than good.

I no longer know who I am
I no longer know my worth
I know nothing

N-G''s tired.She needs a break.
Signing off.

Falling

2006-08-30T03:20:00.000+12:00

The gradual excavation hurts
The additional weight weakens
The emotional pain destroys
My heart bleeds
This is killing me...

Do I Need A Man?

2006-08-15T03:53:00.000+12:00

You Don't Need a Man ... or Want One!

Generally, you're very happy being a single woman.
And anyone who has a problem with that... well, that's there problem.
Not that you wouldn't share your life with the almost perfect guy.
You simply won't settle though. Your life is too good to share with some substandard man!

Do You Need a Man?

Miserable

2006-08-05T21:45:00.000+12:00

Do I have the rights to hate you?
Everything that I have comes from you and if such material provision binds me to all the rules imposed by you, what difference does that make from selling my soul to the devil?

Is there a God?
Perhaps there is.
A blind one.
With all the sufferings in this world, try telling those who suffer 'God's ways are higher than us - his plans are to prosper us, all done for our own good.
'Ultimate bullshit, no?

This is not the way I want to spend my Saturdays.
You both! Congratulations for being successful team mates: a bastard and a witchy bitch!

Dear 'mother [not by choice]' this is karma time for you.
Ever wondered why you have rebellious children?
I am doing the same to you like how you did it to your mother. You taught me that when I was young.

As for now, you pwned me because you gave me pricey education.
I'll will live long enough to remember that my parents are my source of misery - sadistic enough to witness my drowning in my own pool of tears.

If I ever leave the house, I will NEVER come back.
NEVER EVER!
I'll do or trade anything for peace and tranquility.
Till then, my source of comfort comes from the inanimates!

Bitter

2006-08-05T06:28:00.000+12:00

There's no perfect family but if your pre-marital relationship were a troubled one, why must you bring sufferings to your subsequent generation and demand whatever you chose to demand?

Apart from financial and material support, my emotional needs were deprived and there was a huge void in my heart. I ended up looking for love at places where I should not, went out with the wrong guys doing the wrong things at the wrong place and time.

I wonder should I be sad or proud when a relative introduced me like this:

'Oh this girl .. she grew up on her own.. her mother doesnt bother much bout her
and her father is too busy with work..'

Beneath my ear to ear smile, look into my eyes. It's bitter with no memories worth remembering.

I don't believe in marriage.. you both showed me how. Feel free to disown me if I am involved with someone's husband or being labelled as a marriage wrecker. It's not by chance but by choice.

Love your spouse whole heartedly, be his pillar of strength and source of comfort in times of difficulty, laugh at each other's mistakes.. be good parents, bring up your children with full responsibility and dedication.. shower people you love with your heart's utmost sincerity..Isn't that what family is all about? Idealistic huh? No wonder it's difficult for me to buy it as well!

Never use my tuition fees to threaten me.
I doubt that I cannot make a living with my bare hands.
If I have enough courage (stupidity perhaps), I will not live this life.
If I have a choice, I will not conform to the norms of society, not at all.

I'm so tempted to light that menthol flavoured paper cylinder.
I need alcohol. Like the feeling of being intoxicated.

p/s: I am not as cheap as you think I am. Even if I am, you can never afford me. Period!

Reflection

2006-06-19T15:29:00.000+12:00

I have been thinking much of you lately.
Found this while browsing through the folder entitled your nickname. Wrote this last Christmas. Guess it's difficult to forget someone

Missing someone is so difficult especially when you
have no basis for such notorious emotions. Ridiculously, you hope for the
impossible. Worse when you try to make yourself believe that you are just lonely
and hoping for someone to talk to. Maybe. Maybe loneliness is just another state
of mind. Maybe. Maybe it's just another phase in life where you'll soon forget.
I hope you can remain as the angel in my heart always but you are too good to be
true. I choose to see you spread your wings and fly, fly high in the sky. You'll
always be in my memory.
HAPPY 2006! :)

It's true. What I was feeling 6 months ago still hold till today. Very likely you've found someone but I don't mind adoring you from a distant. Afterall I have nothing to offer you. :)

For you, kire, my dearest

2006-06-18T00:23:00.000+12:00

RUSSELL WATSON
Someone Like You

Il tempo passa senza che
Lo passo mai insieme ate
Ma ti pensavo sempre
Nei sogni tu con me
Per me il mondo finira
Se non ci fossi tu
Ovunque vai
Voglio che sai

If you need a friend or a lover
Or a place that you can hide
I will always be there
Even though my hands are tied
I know deep down inside
If you'd consider what we shared
Maybe you'll see
You're all that I need

E'una vita che cercando a te
E non importa che io senta per te
Soltanto una notte ancor
Chiamami amor

All my life
I'm been searching
For someone like you

There's never been a better time
There's never been a better place
For you and I together here
Alone and face to face
Oh I'd do anything
If you'd just let me in your life
Whatever it takes
I won't make the same mistake again

E'una vita che cercando a te
E non importa che io senta per te
Soltanto una notte ancor
Chiamami amor

All my life
I'm been searching
For someone like you

Could it be the brightest star
So close yet still far away
Don't you know I've fallen for you
Baby I'm calling for you
Right here right now

E'una vita che cercando a te
E non importa che io senta per te
Soltanto una notte ancor
Chiamami amor

All my life
I'm been searching
For someone like you

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

With love and care.

Can You Cheat Death?

2006-06-09T04:26:00.000+12:00

One extreme, I could have died.
Another extreme, I might be dysfigured; perhaps parapelgic.. maybe limping away.

IF my reflex wasn't fast enough and I didn't jam my brakes on time.
IF I was driving at yesterday's state of mind.

Ta-dah, oncoming car would have crashed into the sides of my car.
No, I don't remembering having enough crumple zone there.
One incident I truly do not want to remember but I must avoid all incompetent pork-free siew paus on the road.
Siu mais on 4 wheels too.

Was thinking over what I have been saying throughout the past two weeks.
Phrase: 'I am not afraid of dying'

But am I ready to go?

It all started when I told my dad I wanted an improved handling for WyKA.
He said WyKA was not engineered for speed.
But WyKA is engineered for fun. (I didn't make this up)
However I am still not giving up until I get some new donuts + maybe TT sus.
Not that I want to go fast but I just dont want to lose the car's momentum at corners.
Plus, it's not easy to countereffect the state of understeer.

Sigh, if it isn't your time to go, it isn't perhaps.
If it is, then you cant cheat death can you?
Just like the MASSIVE motor vehicle collision in NKVE last Sunday.
Two men fell onto LDP from 50 ft above, probably due to lack of judgement.
Maybe they did not realise that they were stucked in between dividers while trying to escape from the wreckage.
Worse, one of them was dragged by an oncoming car for 10 metres.
Fated to die on that day perhaps.
I don't know, just a thought.

Perhaps I feel more sorry for the innocent victims.
Especially the driver who dragged the deceased for 10 metres.
Psychological disturbances. Traumatized. Whatever you name it.
Not easy to wipe such memory. Maybe impossible.
Wonder how much does self-meditation works in such circumstance.

Sigh.

Not a good time for me.
Perhaps that woman was right.
Some event is coming.
And I have every reason to fear.

Signing off.

Untitled

2006-06-07T07:05:00.000+12:00

I am happy yet tired at the same time. Second half of 2005 just feels like yesterday; perhaps I've not moved on with time. I hope I could do well for this system but I don't seem to know the subject well enough. Wishful thinking, I just want to go through the lecture notes for the second time. It's rather strange for someone in my shoes to aim for 4.0 but a journey of a thousand miles begin with a step right. And this is my first step. I need to grow more academically since there's nothing much left for me in life. 3 years and 8 months to go. Provided I get through all my papers. *tick tock tick tock* Then what?

Religion remains a question mark
Relationship remains an illusion
Entertainment is not entertaining
Not interested in having flings
Sex is disguisting.

Just like how Dr Cameron explained it in House M.D.
Sex COULD kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm
like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. And it's messy. And if God hadn't made it UNBELIEVABLY fun, the human race would have died out eons ago.

I am 21 yet still in limbo. I can't integrate my thoughts, feelings, perceptions, instincts (dont ask me to justify this), upbringing, values, experience in one vehicle. In the first place, can this even be done man..

Life itself is meaningless. It's empty. Living is what makes life worthwhile, and what kind of living should I live. Tough cookie.
In the mean while, I am emotionally drained and sick of anything which involves human interaction. No man is an island; let be me no man then. With time, I grew colder and colder. Perhaps, with little hope in mankind, life would be much easy going.

No, I am not depressed. I am not in stress.
A little confused but shall just ignore my feelings. At 3.27am, nothing feels right.

Signing off.

Is This Me?

2005-11-05T20:08:00.000+13:00

I got this a year ago from moyzie.

Feels so far yet so near.

This reading is based on — Birth Date: 3/4/1985 (March 4, 1985)

Your Inner or Soul's Urge: This is spiritual and emotional expression more than physical. It is your heart-felt desires, your incentive, how you look at life. Here are your areas of personal satisfaction. Number: 2

Your heart is sincere. You are helpful and companionable, most always willing to work for and with others harmoniously. People correctly sense that you are a natural peacemaker and diplomat, patient, a good negotiator, and able to keep secrets as needed to make and maintain peace and harmony. Your graciousness, kindness, and deep consideration for others are sometimes not appreciated, even taken advantage of. If you are too complacent, people can get away with considerable mischief. When receiving unkind criticism and hurtful remarks, you may recognize the cause of your personal disharmony by stepping outside and seeing your problems from afar. Sooner or later, your critics will recognize your calm as harmony. You can cultivate self-discipline and strength of purpose and would do well to find a quiet time for meditation every day. Being contented with small things (so long as you experience ease and comfort) and not overly ambitious, you do not demand wealth and luxury. You are very sensitive and emotional, easy-going, friendly, and fall in Love easily. Yes, your heart wants Love, devoted companionship, and a harmonious home. You are often studious, attract many things to yourself, accumulate much wisdom. Spiritual and psychic sensitivity are available to you simply by your recognition of them. As such, you have the capacity to develop clairvoyant or other psychic abilities.

Your Personality: This is physical expression more than spiritual or emotional; your outer self, the way you express when meeting others. It may or may not be the real you. Number: 6

Your thoughts are often on others and their needs, especially those close to you, and this is observed through your projected personality. You are seen as one who is responsible, in service to others, and trying to establish emotional harmony. Sometimes you are seen as a fatherly or motherly type. It is observed that you are capable of deep affection and sacrifice. When meeting new people, you tend to be either suspicious or gullible, sometimes switching between the two in succession. When threatened emotionally, you can be seen as defending yourself to near irrationality. You enjoy good clothes of good material, and like to be comfortably dressed. To enhance this personality, you should always be well-dressed and give thought to the way you look, rather than giving it the lack of importance or carelessness as is your tendency.

Your Quiescent Self: Stripping away all outside influences, aspirations, ambitions, "shoulds", and "shouldn'ts" -- this is you when you are alone; just you and your dreams.. Number: 6

Your family adores you; not only for the beautiful, artistic home you create for them, but also for the responsibility you assume for keeping perfect order. There are flowers in your garden, and music and artistic works are around you. You are known for your hospitality. Your thoughts and pleasure are yourself as the comforter to all, and the adjuster of inequities.

Your Destiny or Ultimate Goal: This is your desired lifetime accomplishment. It is a key to a useful and happy life, and to feeling fulfillment during your latter days. Number: 8

Your destiny is accomplishment that gives you authority, money, recognition, and/or professional position. Fulfilling your destiny depends much on your determination, knowledge of life and its spiritual relationships, and financial effort. Personal satisfaction is greatest when you accomplish your goals while having the good of others in mind. Depending on education and experience, you are comfortable with finances, an effective leader, a master on all levels of management, and an authority on business. You are most successful with big business, and you nearly always win when you keep your broad outlook and admit no limitations. People respect you and turn to you for decisions. You have great potential as an executive. You are attractive, strong, efficient, dominant, sociable, and inclined to pomp and display.

Your Life's Path: Here are clues to what fate has in store for you. It indicates the type of encounters, events, and opportunities you are likely to experience along your physical life path. Number: 3

You are following a path of creativity and self-expression through art, beauty, friendliness, happiness, and harmony. Your creative force helps you through the obstacles life sometimes presents for your experience. You are a welcome addition to most any social gathering. You are a natural host and benefit from socializing. Give of yourself, freely and joyously. You are inclined to be imaginative, inspired, and able to tap deep emotions. You can express yourself well in artistic endeavors of your choice using colors (such as painting and interior decorating), words (such as public speaking, writing, singing, and acting), and form (such as sculpting).

This Year's Path: Here is what you are likely to encounter this year -- your feelings, your predominant perspective, and the type of situations, circumstances, and opportunities you tend to attract during the calendar year. Number: 3

This is the year to express your inspiration, your imagination, your creative thought, and your deep emotional feelings. You desire to do more entertaining this year and accept more invitations. Take time off to enjoy yourself. You can give color and warmth to all levels of living. Be artistic. Express yourself joyfully. Now is the time to follow those inspirational and imaginative ideas you are so excited about. Follow your desire for self-improvement; the year is rich with opportunities for inner growth. It is a colorful and eventful year, with pleasure, opportunities for travel, enjoyable social activities, and entertainment coming your way. Allow your abundance of cheer and optimism to guide you.

Next Year's Path. Number: 4

This is a practical year; no long leisurely periods for dreaming, personal indulgence, or careless living. It is a time to build the firm and secure foundation upon which your future depends, using practical values and steady application. It is also the time to work out the details of that project you've been thinking about. Read the fine print of all transactions. This is the year to find where you stand in life, and to be practical about it -- to pay attention to details. This year demands a lot of work, not only to improve the present but also to build practical foundations for the future. Your diligence brings commensurate rewards. With good sense, you can meet all requirements and experience satisfactory gain. Your gatherings, meetings, parties, and trips are mostly related to work or business. As part of the practical focus of this year, attend to health matters.

Last Year's Path. Number: 11

Harmonious associations are very important for you this year. The year's success and good results will be obtained through diplomacy, cooperation, tactfulness, good relationships, and, especially, personal introspection. It is a year for receiving and sharing rather than aggressively pursuing your own way. Your intuition and emotions are enhanced this year. It is a busy year, with endless demands on your time. It is easier to work with others rather than doing things by yourself. Your plans and developments may experience periods of delay. No need to worry about that. Things seem to move slower this year. The year can revitalize your peace of mind. It is a good time to strengthen your friendships. A heightened religious, mystical, and psychic awareness can bring you to a position of influence. This is the year your ideals of a personal, inner nature become visible even to others. It is a busy year.

a s s

Anxiety

wa chin boh huah hee

You and Me

lost

Cold heart warm blood

Patient's Autonomy

My body has no braille

Fuckstrated

Gastro

Strange Feeling

Pain

...

A Strange Story

Raisin Scones Anyone?

Seejuuuuukkkkk!!!

Bean Bag

Would you like some $$$ in your mailbox?

hanya tuhan saja yang tahu

Psych

Tired, Lost, Sleepy

Rindu

Mindfulness

Innuendo - Until The End of Time

Being Cuckoo

95th day

El Shaddai

Are Tears Symbol of Vulnerability?

Wang Sheng Tian - My MAN!

My 0-cent

Ke-N-G-ian

Both Sides Now

Heavy Hearted

Going Bonkus! *sobs*

Nothing Good...

Narratives

Happily Unhappy

MSK

Falling

Do I Need A Man?

Miserable

Bitter

Reflection

For you, kire, my dearest

Can You Cheat Death?

Untitled

Is This Me?

Going Bonkus! sobs